JEAH! Ryan Lochte Got His Own TV Show and It's Pretty Much Exactly What You're Thinking
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You guys. YOU GUYS. The much-hyped premiere of 28-year-old Olympic swimmer extraordinaire and lovable labradoodle Ryan Lochte (a.k.a. Reezy)'s reality TV show, What Would Ryan Lochte Do?, was last night, and it was basically everything you thought it'd be and more.

In case you were dying to know what Lochte does (WHAT DOES HE DO, YOU GUYS?), I can tell you because I watched the show: essentially, nothing. You probably think I'm joking. I am not. I watched the show for 30 minutes, and then I watched a recap online, and then for good measure I read two reviews, and I'm still not entirely sure what I saw or what it is that makes Lochte tick. Most importantly, I'm not entirely sure Lochte knows what it is that makes Lochte tick. 

I'm serious: When asked by one of the crew members what makes up the "Lochte edge" that he's always blathering on about, Ryan stared at him in wide-eyed stunned silence for 10 seconds and then said, "You know...I honestly have no idea. I've never really thought of it." #JEAH!

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Other things Lochte did throughout the duration of the show included bowling with his family, playing flag football with his friends—known as the "lochterage" (please don't make me write that again)—and referring to himself in the third person a lot. At one point, one of the cameramen asked him how many medals he won at the London games, and he responded, "I don't even know. I can't even remember what I got." BRO, YOU WENT TO THE OLYMPICS. You have trained for and qualified for the Olympics twice and have won 11 medals! Ryan, I really want to be on your side here, but you're just making it so hard for me.

He also partied a lot and then went to the pool the next morning to train (after all, he's a man at night and a man in the morning). Seriously speaking, this part was pretty impressive. It's here that we were reminded that Lochte is actually an award-winning elite athlete of the highest caliber. So he's not the brightest light on the tree. We can't all be Rhodes Scholars...right?

One genuinely sweet moment occurred during the middle of the show when Lochte talked about his family support system. "I remember the first time I won a gold medal. I did something I never thought I'd be able to do, and having my family there to support me meant everything," he said tearfully. I have nothing to say about this scene except that hopefully we'll see more moments like this as the show progresses.

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The athlete also confessed that he would eventually like to fall in love and settle down...sort of. "I like to have fun," he said. "I'm not married or dating anyone, so I'm allowed to do that." (I am not positive, but I think married people have fun. I can't be sure, but I've heard it happens.) Lochte went on a date to a sushi bar with a girl named Megan who seems perfectly sweet and nice and is relocating to Los Angeles in a few weeks. Okay, then.

Moving on, we saw Lochte and his sisters having family movie night. Lochte told the viewers that one of his favorite movies is What Women Want. His older sister chided him for taking every girl he goes on a first date with to the same sushi bar in Gainesville, because in college towns, girls talk to each other and word will probably get around fast. Lochte responded by saying that it might be the same restaurant and the same table, but it's a different girl. (For the record, I foresee no problems with that. NONE AT ALL.)

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The end! Basically, I don't know how to feel about WWRLD. On the one hand, I spent 30 minutes feeling terrible for him and also kind of embarrassed, because I just don't know if he realizes how he comes across to people (and for the love of all that is good and holy in this world, can we get him a media coach?). On the other hand, do I really feel that bad? I got suckered into watching his show, and Ryan Lochte is probably laughing all the way to the bank, so really, I guess the joke's on me.

In conclusion, time to drink

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