Ah, guacamole. So rich. So tasty. So perfect. So simple. And yet...so easy to ruin.
The golden rule of guacamole is "less is more," but lately I've been seeing this weird new trend where people throw whatever they want into a bowl, mash it up with some avocados, and call it guacamole. It seems everyone I know has a secret ingredient they swear by that makes their guacamole the "best guac ever."
Well, I am here to tell you you're wrong. Sorry. It's true, though.
What's that, you say? "But, Alanna, I have this great recipe! Everyone loves it! You see, what I do is add—"
Just stop. I know what you're going to say. And it's okay, really: I get it! The healthy-minded community tends to be a creative one, and of course, it's always great to experiment with different ingredients. But this trendy bastardization of guacamole has got to stop. #justsayno
Here is a definitive list of the ingredients that don't belong in guacamole: Greek yogurt, sour cream, chickpeas (Really? REALLY?), edamame (I can't), mayo, cottage cheese, fruit (some disagree with me on this one. They are still wrong), and nuts. Oh, and certainly not cauliflower rice. If you know someone who puts cauliflower rice in their guacamole—and you know who you are—you should bid them a good day and then un-friend them on Facebook, because no one needs that kind of topsy-turvy nonsense in their life.
I know some of you are happy to stand there and be wrong (I said good day, madam! P.S. We all know you put ranch on your pizza too), but for those of you who are dying to know how to make truly the best guacamole, I'll tell you everything you need to know.
The key to a perfect guacamole includes: avocados, diced white or red onion, 1 pinch salt, 1 to 2 jalapeños or Serrano peppers, lime juice, and cilantro. Reasonable additions include: tomatoes, cumin, cayenne pepper, chili powder, or garlic. Sometimes black pepper.
That's it? That's it. Really!
Listen: I'm not telling you not to whip up some chickpeas in your blender and throw them in a bowl with some mashed avocado to serve at your next party or that if you're running low on avocado, you can't stretch out the recipe with some Greek yogurt. Have at it! (In fact, here's a good recipe.) All I ask is that you call it something different. Guacamole is literally the most perfect, flawless dish on the planet—why are you trying to destroy its good name with your wacky add-ins?
I'll step off my soapbox now. What do you think? Are there any other guacamole evangelists in the crowd, or am I totally off-base? What do you plan on putting in your guacamole for Cinco de Mayo on Monday? Let us know in the comments below or tweet us @Shape_Magazine!