Gossip: According to Us Weekly, Taylor Swift cut off her friendship with Selena Gomez after Selena reunited with Justin Bieber. Ouch.
And while the de-friending hasn’t been confirmed, we understand Taylor’s dilemma—it’s never easy when you don’t like the guy your friend is dating: If you bring it up the wrong way to her, she may feel she needs to choose between you and him, warns Nicole McCance, a Toronto-based psychotherapist and relationship expert.
If you're not a fan of your BFF's man, suss out the right next steps to save your friendship and let her know what you think.
1. Get to know him. The one thing you and her guy definitely see eye to eye on? Your friend. Ask him what he first noticed about her or whether he knows about her college habit of making s’mores in the microwave. If he’s responsive and engaging, maybe what you initially took as standoffish behavior was actually just shyness on his part.
2. Pick your battles. If it’s just that you think he’s boring, keep that to yourself—even if your friend asks. Saying “I can see he makes you happy,” or “He really seems to care about you a lot,” isn’t lying and will keep the bond tight between you and your bestie, McCance says. If, however, your issue is something serious—like he doesn’t respect her—then you owe it to her to carefully bring it up.
3. Tread lightly. No matter how awful he seems, she is dating him—and she’s likely going to leap to his defense. Instead of focusing on his behavior, focus on her reactions, McCance suggests. For example, instead of telling her how rude her boyfriend seems, saying something like, “He really seemed to startle you when he laid into the waiter. Does he do that a lot?” [Tweet this tip!] “Letting her take the lead will help you see where she’s coming from. It’ll also make it less likely that the conversation becomes an argument,” McCance explains.
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4. Be supportive. If the guy she’s dating has a serious problem—like he’s an addict or may be abusive—it’s tempting to issue an ultimatum. Don’t, warns McCance. “If you tell her you hate him or you don’t want to hang out with her, she won’t have a support system, which can drag her deeper into a bad relationship." Instead, let her know you’re there and ask open-ended questions: how she feels about him getting drunk every night or not coming home without texting her. The more you show you care, the more she’ll see the situation from your perspective and be more likely to come around, McCance explains.