Wow! It’s really crazy when you wake up one day and feel as though you are going through puberty all over again. You know, that lost awkward state of life where you weren’t a child and weren’t an adult. That’s how 50 sort of feels. Society says you are ‘over the hill,’ but the ones telling you this are not old enough to climb the hill, let alone lead the way. People dictate how you should look, how you should dress, how you should feel, how you should act. And God help you if you don’t “act your age…” Hummmm, act my age…..well, then, I say that is bull@@%!
I haven’t been working at a job, so I have had a great deal of time to think, to write, to really go ‘inside’ myself and say….clean house. In this time I have learned a few things about myself. First of all, 50 is a wonderful time to just begin again. It’s like starting over with a clean slate and forgetting the past because it cannot be changed, letting go of ideas that weren’t working because you no longer need to hang on to them, and it’s about just starting out fresh.
I am one of those women who undoubtedly is not having a mid-life crisis or menopause breakdown. Actually, I have been surprised that menopause symptoms are evading me (not that I want to go through the dreaded “change” of life). However, I have different expectations for the second shift of my life. It all sounds like changing gears ….. which conjures up all kinds of images of my trying to find the point of not grinding my engine! Or running past the person ahead of me cause they are going way too slow!
I am at a point where there isn’t a struggle in finances. I have a wonderful life partner of 25 years, and cannot imagine my life without him. We still enjoy our time with and without each other knowing we are blessed to have found each other in life. I have come to terms with the demons in my past and let them go. I have realized the past cannot hurt me unless I allow it to. I have watched my body changing and have a distinct image of how I want to present myself and carry myself through my older years. I am not afraid of getting older because of the image I have of where and how I want to be. I can take care of myself, depend on myself, and love myself allowing myself to continue to grow.
So why am I writing this? I suppose I am writing this because I want other women (and men for that matter) to know that it is okay to feel lost sometimes. I don’t even think you have to label that emotion with anything society claims as marking a pivotal peak in one’s life. The good thing about getting lost is that you have to come out somewhere. So you may as well enjoy the journey cause after all, it is as Homer once said, “the journey makes up ones’ life.”
I am so open to whatever comes next. Some of you may understand what I mean by that. No doubt, a young person would not completely be able to comprehend such a transition. But age teaches us what we have survived already was meant to be and added to the pages in our lives.
All I know is I am happy with who I have become. I am still growing. I will continue to learn. I will vigorously attack my next fifty years with a higher expectation to let go of what I cannot change while welcoming what I can change about myself. I don’t need a map or a compass to show me the way. I prefer to feel my way through the next stage expecting the best, knowing the outcome will come from what I see in my mind for me. And then, as Daddy used to say, when all is said and done, more will be done than said because I will make each step my own.
Big hugs! Lots of smiles!
Teri LaFaye (sassyonyx)
December 4, 2010