"I'm softer than I've ever been, including that unfortunate semester in high school when I simultaneously discovered Krispy Kreme and pot."
This month, the beautiful and talented Olivia Wilde graces our April cover. In lieu of a traditional interview, we handed the reins over to Wilde and let her write her own profile. Tired of hearing how Hollywood's new moms "bounce back" so quickly after giving birth, the actress and witty writer got real about her body after baby: "I am not in perfect shape. In fact, I'm softer than I've ever been, including that unfortunate semester in high school when I simultaneously discovered Krispy Kreme and pot," she wrote. "The photos of me in this magazine have been generously constructed to show my best angles, and I assure you, good lighting has been warmly embraced. The truth is, I'm a mother, and I look like one." Love her real talk? It only gets better:
On the first weeks of motherhood: "First of all, you haven't seen your vagina in months, even though it's all her fault you're in this situation. Now that you can finally confirm that she is, in fact, still there, she isn't the gal that you remember, and would rather you back off and give her some space (and an ice diaper) for the time being, thank you very much."
On getting back in the workout groove: "If I wasn't at work, I just wanted to stay home and party with my little man—and by 'party' I mean, of course, endless rounds of the 'Itsy Bitsy Spider.' Also, I like beer. And pizza. And these two ingredients are not found in the purely fictional book I like to call How to Look Like You Never Made a Human: A Guide to Socially Acceptable Motherhood."
On her love of dance: "It's understandable that many of us are scarred by childhood ballet, but dance doesn't have to be scary, and in fact, can be the most fun you've ever had sweating your butt off. Which is why I'm a follower of Kristin Sudeikis, the queen of NYC dancercise and creator of 2Fly." Listen, baby or no baby, getting out of the house to exercise is a serious achievement. If you're going to haul your behind to a class, it's not going to be for anyone else; not your partner, nemesis, mother, or tabloid bloggers—just you. And your special relationship with your own damn fat cells. For me, the bottom line (pun intended) is that the workout is fun."
On her exercise philosophy: "I believe in a world where mothers are not expected to shed any physical evidence of their child-bearing experience. In that same world I believe there is space for exercise to be as much a gift to your brain as it is your body. I don't want to waste my time striving for some subjective definition of perfection. I'd rather rebuild my strength while dancing my ass off...literally."
For more from Olivia Wilde, and to see more moves from her exclusive workout dance workout, pick up the issue on newsstands March 30.