Got a Competitve Edge?
A good friend just got engaged and promoted. You:
a. wonder "Why her and not me?"
b. throw her a party.
c. shoot her a note of congrats.
Instant insight "Competitive personalities constantly compare themselves to others," says JoAnn Dahlkoetter, Ph.D., author of Your Performing Edge (Pulgas Ridge Press, 2004). Even if your friend is thinner, richer and happier than you, focusing your energy on her takes away from concentrating on yourself. "Get back to your own goals," Dahlkoetter advises. "Think about what you want to do rather than how you're not matching up. If your objective is to get promoted, then implement a plan of action to get that done. Compare yourself to your own timeline — where were you last year? Are you taking steps to get where you want to go?" And don't forget that happiness often begets happiness: By genuinely sharing in her good fortune, be it a simple congratulatory e-mail or an all-out festive shindig, you'll feel good about yourself and maybe be even more motivated to reach your own goals.
There's a long line at the supermarket checkout. You:
a. feel your pulse race, then decide to leave the store. You don't have time for this!
b. grab one of the tabloids to read while you wait.
c. ditch a couple of items so you can head to the express lane.
Instant insight "The need to do 10 things at once and be in control is inherent in competitive mentalities," Dahlkoetter says. "But when you're in line or stuck in traffic, you lack that control." The key is to separate the things you can control from the things you can't. You can leave work earlier to allow for a few extra minutes in the store. You can't determine how many people will be shopping when you get there. If you still get caught in that abysmal line, make the time productive, says Patricia Farrell, Ph.D., author of How to Be Your Own Therapist (McGraw-Hill, 2004). Chat with the person next to you, or mentally prepare for your big meeting. Or best of all, use uplifting self-talk, such as "I'm staying positive today regardless of what happens."
The last vacation you took was:
a. so long ago you can't remember — you're too swamped with work.
b. last Monday. You call in sick every few weeks.
c. three months ago.
Instant insight "Competitive people have a hard time switching gears and forget that they need to take a break," Dahlkoetter says. "But you need time off every three to four months." Even the Energizer Bunny eventually fizzles out, and studies show that downtime gives you a much-needed opportunity to recharge. You can't perform at 100 percent every day without resting.
If your mind-set (or budget) won't allow for a decadent week in Hawaii, try taking baby steps. "Schedule a day off ahead of time," Dahlkoetter says. "If you claim you'll take a break when you need it, it will never happen. Plan to take one Friday off a month, or give yourself incentives — if you ace a project, book a spa day." And if you still can't pry yourself away from the office, at the very least, avoid your e-mail or cellphone on weekends.
Your firm is putting together a softball league. You:
a. don't sign up; you won't risk striking out in front of others.
b. bring the beer and chips! Even if you're not the best softball player, the score is irrelevant.
c. worry that you'll stink, but sign up anyway.
Instant insight Looking foolish is by far a competitor's worst nightmare, so rather than embracing the opportunity to have fun, a hypercompetitive person might sit out the game entirely. "Or, she'll go to the batting cage and practice becoming a power hitter," Farrell says. Rather than obsessing over what could go wrong, why not turn your attention to the positives of the situation? For example, if you play, you'll build company morale, squeeze in some afterwork exercise and shine as a team player. And if you strike out, so what? "If you want to be the best you can be, you have to make mistakes and learn from them," Farrell says. Remember, most of your co-workers are there to have fun. You should be too.
The last time you yelled at someone was:
a. yesterday. Your assistant screwed up a meeting.
b. Does your dog count?
c. a month ago, but you apologized.
Instant insight People who go for the jugular are more easily irritated and stressed, Dahlkoetter says. So when a situation goes awry, they use someone else as a punching bag. Does it work? Rarely. "Yelling is counterproductive for you and the people at whom you're yelling," Farrell says. "They quickly learn to disregard it and see you as someone who is a poor manager." So when your husband once again forgets to pick up the dry cleaning, pipe down. "Instead, take a deep breath and consider your possible responses," Dahlkoetter advises. "If I yell, is it productive? Does it hurt the relationship? What about if I speak with him firmly and explain why this annoys me so much? What happens then?" Chances are, he listens.
Friends and family often:
a. tell you to slow down.
b. ask if you're bored.
c. admire your balancing skills.
Instant insight To find out whether you're too often vying to win, listen to the feedback of those who know you best. If you're constantly forgetful, late and overbooked, you're not only neglecting appointments, you're also neglecting the relationships fostered during them. And studies show that hypercompetitive people are less happily married and less effective bosses. Allow yourself to slow down by prioritizing your schedule, Dahlkoetter suggests. Create an A list, a B list and a C list; only the most crucial things (your A list) get your attention first. If you have time (and energy) for more, carefully tack them on from your B and C lists.
Your best friend dropped 15 pounds and looks better than ever. You:
a. hit the gym until you ache — you're determined to look hotter.
b. drown your jealousy in some Ben & Jerry's ice cream.
c. pass her number out to your cute male co-workers.
Instant insight "Our society greatly emphasizes physical presentation, particularly for women," Dahlkoetter says. "The way a woman is viewed by others most often determines the relationship she has with herself, which makes her prone to constantly comparing herself." So how do you stop? Try boosting your inner strength, Dahlkoetter advises: "The greater one's self-esteem, the less need there is to gain someone else's approval." OK, so your friend lost weight. Focus on what you've gained in life, rather than the pounds that you (or anyone else) have lost. That's how you really win.
SCORING
If you answered mostly A's, you:
Play to win You're a textbook example of a competitor who defines herself by winning. Rather than aiming to whip others, aim to compete with yourself. Top athletes don't just focus on beating their competitors; they strive for their personal bests. Make this your goal. Letting go of the need to control each situation and instead concentrating on the need to control your role in each circumstance will free you from the stress and anxiety that comes from having to be numero uno all the time.
If you answered mostly B's, you:
Need to get in the game You already take the time to stop and smell the roses. But that might be just about all you do. Competitive drive, in and of itself, isn't a negative quality. It can spur you to better results and higher selfesteem. Try to home in on what's important to you — such as a better tennis game or stronger public-speaking skills — and push yourself to be the best you can be in that specific area.
If you answered mostly C's, you:
Have a competitive clue You're a team player who knows when to up the ante and, conversely, take it down a notch. While you thrive on competition, it doesn't rule your life. Because of this healthy mix, you're able to ascend the success ladders in a variety of areas. Winning, as you know, is only half the battle. How you get there matters too.
a. wonder "Why her and not me?"
b. throw her a party.
c. shoot her a note of congrats.
Instant insight "Competitive personalities constantly compare themselves to others," says JoAnn Dahlkoetter, Ph.D., author of Your Performing Edge (Pulgas Ridge Press, 2004). Even if your friend is thinner, richer and happier than you, focusing your energy on her takes away from concentrating on yourself. "Get back to your own goals," Dahlkoetter advises. "Think about what you want to do rather than how you're not matching up. If your objective is to get promoted, then implement a plan of action to get that done. Compare yourself to your own timeline — where were you last year? Are you taking steps to get where you want to go?" And don't forget that happiness often begets happiness: By genuinely sharing in her good fortune, be it a simple congratulatory e-mail or an all-out festive shindig, you'll feel good about yourself and maybe be even more motivated to reach your own goals.
There's a long line at the supermarket checkout. You:
a. feel your pulse race, then decide to leave the store. You don't have time for this!
b. grab one of the tabloids to read while you wait.
c. ditch a couple of items so you can head to the express lane.
Instant insight "The need to do 10 things at once and be in control is inherent in competitive mentalities," Dahlkoetter says. "But when you're in line or stuck in traffic, you lack that control." The key is to separate the things you can control from the things you can't. You can leave work earlier to allow for a few extra minutes in the store. You can't determine how many people will be shopping when you get there. If you still get caught in that abysmal line, make the time productive, says Patricia Farrell, Ph.D., author of How to Be Your Own Therapist (McGraw-Hill, 2004). Chat with the person next to you, or mentally prepare for your big meeting. Or best of all, use uplifting self-talk, such as "I'm staying positive today regardless of what happens."
The last vacation you took was:
a. so long ago you can't remember — you're too swamped with work.
b. last Monday. You call in sick every few weeks.
c. three months ago.
Instant insight "Competitive people have a hard time switching gears and forget that they need to take a break," Dahlkoetter says. "But you need time off every three to four months." Even the Energizer Bunny eventually fizzles out, and studies show that downtime gives you a much-needed opportunity to recharge. You can't perform at 100 percent every day without resting.
If your mind-set (or budget) won't allow for a decadent week in Hawaii, try taking baby steps. "Schedule a day off ahead of time," Dahlkoetter says. "If you claim you'll take a break when you need it, it will never happen. Plan to take one Friday off a month, or give yourself incentives — if you ace a project, book a spa day." And if you still can't pry yourself away from the office, at the very least, avoid your e-mail or cellphone on weekends.
Your firm is putting together a softball league. You:
a. don't sign up; you won't risk striking out in front of others.
b. bring the beer and chips! Even if you're not the best softball player, the score is irrelevant.
c. worry that you'll stink, but sign up anyway.
Instant insight Looking foolish is by far a competitor's worst nightmare, so rather than embracing the opportunity to have fun, a hypercompetitive person might sit out the game entirely. "Or, she'll go to the batting cage and practice becoming a power hitter," Farrell says. Rather than obsessing over what could go wrong, why not turn your attention to the positives of the situation? For example, if you play, you'll build company morale, squeeze in some afterwork exercise and shine as a team player. And if you strike out, so what? "If you want to be the best you can be, you have to make mistakes and learn from them," Farrell says. Remember, most of your co-workers are there to have fun. You should be too.
The last time you yelled at someone was:
a. yesterday. Your assistant screwed up a meeting.
b. Does your dog count?
c. a month ago, but you apologized.
Instant insight People who go for the jugular are more easily irritated and stressed, Dahlkoetter says. So when a situation goes awry, they use someone else as a punching bag. Does it work? Rarely. "Yelling is counterproductive for you and the people at whom you're yelling," Farrell says. "They quickly learn to disregard it and see you as someone who is a poor manager." So when your husband once again forgets to pick up the dry cleaning, pipe down. "Instead, take a deep breath and consider your possible responses," Dahlkoetter advises. "If I yell, is it productive? Does it hurt the relationship? What about if I speak with him firmly and explain why this annoys me so much? What happens then?" Chances are, he listens.
Friends and family often:
a. tell you to slow down.
b. ask if you're bored.
c. admire your balancing skills.
Instant insight To find out whether you're too often vying to win, listen to the feedback of those who know you best. If you're constantly forgetful, late and overbooked, you're not only neglecting appointments, you're also neglecting the relationships fostered during them. And studies show that hypercompetitive people are less happily married and less effective bosses. Allow yourself to slow down by prioritizing your schedule, Dahlkoetter suggests. Create an A list, a B list and a C list; only the most crucial things (your A list) get your attention first. If you have time (and energy) for more, carefully tack them on from your B and C lists.
Your best friend dropped 15 pounds and looks better than ever. You:
a. hit the gym until you ache — you're determined to look hotter.
b. drown your jealousy in some Ben & Jerry's ice cream.
c. pass her number out to your cute male co-workers.
Instant insight "Our society greatly emphasizes physical presentation, particularly for women," Dahlkoetter says. "The way a woman is viewed by others most often determines the relationship she has with herself, which makes her prone to constantly comparing herself." So how do you stop? Try boosting your inner strength, Dahlkoetter advises: "The greater one's self-esteem, the less need there is to gain someone else's approval." OK, so your friend lost weight. Focus on what you've gained in life, rather than the pounds that you (or anyone else) have lost. That's how you really win.
SCORING
If you answered mostly A's, you:
Play to win You're a textbook example of a competitor who defines herself by winning. Rather than aiming to whip others, aim to compete with yourself. Top athletes don't just focus on beating their competitors; they strive for their personal bests. Make this your goal. Letting go of the need to control each situation and instead concentrating on the need to control your role in each circumstance will free you from the stress and anxiety that comes from having to be numero uno all the time.
If you answered mostly B's, you:
Need to get in the game You already take the time to stop and smell the roses. But that might be just about all you do. Competitive drive, in and of itself, isn't a negative quality. It can spur you to better results and higher selfesteem. Try to home in on what's important to you — such as a better tennis game or stronger public-speaking skills — and push yourself to be the best you can be in that specific area.
If you answered mostly C's, you:
Have a competitive clue You're a team player who knows when to up the ante and, conversely, take it down a notch. While you thrive on competition, it doesn't rule your life. Because of this healthy mix, you're able to ascend the success ladders in a variety of areas. Winning, as you know, is only half the battle. How you get there matters too.
Do you play fair, or do you demand to win at any price?
See how you measure up with our quiz.
a. wonder "Why her and not me?"
b. throw her a party.
c. shoot her a note of congrats.
Instant insight "Competitive personalities constantly compare themselves to others," says JoAnn Dahlkoetter, Ph.D., author of Your Performing Edge (Pulgas Ridge Press, 2004). Even if your friend is thinner, richer and happier than you, focusing your energy on her takes away from concentrating on yourself. "Get back to your own goals," Dahlkoetter advises. "Think about what you want to do rather than how you're not matching up. If your objective is to get promoted, then implement a plan of action to get that done. Compare yourself to your own timeline — where were you last year? Are you taking steps to get where you want to go?" And don't forget that happiness often begets happiness: By genuinely sharing in her good fortune, be it a simple congratulatory e-mail or an all-out festive shindig, you'll feel good about yourself and maybe be even more motivated to reach your own goals.
There's a long line at the supermarket checkout. You:
a. feel your pulse race, then decide to leave the store. You don't have time for this!
b. grab one of the tabloids to read while you wait.
c. ditch a couple of items so you can head to the express lane.
Instant insight "The need to do 10 things at once and be in control is inherent in competitive mentalities," Dahlkoetter says. "But when you're in line or stuck in traffic, you lack that control." The key is to separate the things you can control from the things you can't. You can leave work earlier to allow for a few extra minutes in the store. You can't determine how many people will be shopping when you get there. If you still get caught in that abysmal line, make the time productive, says Patricia Farrell, Ph.D., author of How to Be Your Own Therapist (McGraw-Hill, 2004). Chat with the person next to you, or mentally prepare for your big meeting. Or best of all, use uplifting self-talk, such as "I'm staying positive today regardless of what happens."
The last vacation you took was:
a. so long ago you can't remember — you're too swamped with work.
b. last Monday. You call in sick every few weeks.
c. three months ago.
Instant insight "Competitive people have a hard time switching gears and forget that they need to take a break," Dahlkoetter says. "But you need time off every three to four months." Even the Energizer Bunny eventually fizzles out, and studies show that downtime gives you a much-needed opportunity to recharge. You can't perform at 100 percent every day without resting.
If your mind-set (or budget) won't allow for a decadent week in Hawaii, try taking baby steps. "Schedule a day off ahead of time," Dahlkoetter says. "If you claim you'll take a break when you need it, it will never happen. Plan to take one Friday off a month, or give yourself incentives — if you ace a project, book a spa day." And if you still can't pry yourself away from the office, at the very least, avoid your e-mail or cellphone on weekends.
Your firm is putting together a softball league. You:
a. don't sign up; you won't risk striking out in front of others.
b. bring the beer and chips! Even if you're not the best softball player, the score is irrelevant.
c. worry that you'll stink, but sign up anyway.
Instant insight Looking foolish is by far a competitor's worst nightmare, so rather than embracing the opportunity to have fun, a hypercompetitive person might sit out the game entirely. "Or, she'll go to the batting cage and practice becoming a power hitter," Farrell says. Rather than obsessing over what could go wrong, why not turn your attention to the positives of the situation? For example, if you play, you'll build company morale, squeeze in some afterwork exercise and shine as a team player. And if you strike out, so what? "If you want to be the best you can be, you have to make mistakes and learn from them," Farrell says. Remember, most of your co-workers are there to have fun. You should be too.
The last time you yelled at someone was:
a. yesterday. Your assistant screwed up a meeting.
b. Does your dog count?
c. a month ago, but you apologized.
Instant insight People who go for the jugular are more easily irritated and stressed, Dahlkoetter says. So when a situation goes awry, they use someone else as a punching bag. Does it work? Rarely. "Yelling is counterproductive for you and the people at whom you're yelling," Farrell says. "They quickly learn to disregard it and see you as someone who is a poor manager." So when your husband once again forgets to pick up the dry cleaning, pipe down. "Instead, take a deep breath and consider your possible responses," Dahlkoetter advises. "If I yell, is it productive? Does it hurt the relationship? What about if I speak with him firmly and explain why this annoys me so much? What happens then?" Chances are, he listens.
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