Whether you're in a new relationship or want to spice up your sex life, follow these tips to add some extra heat in the bedroom
Sex can be magical, all encompassing—and occasionally a little awkward, especially if you’re with a new guy or want to try new things (but don't know where to start). The good news: A few shaky moments between the sheets doesn't mean that the two of you aren't a match—in fact, it could mean it's the perfect time to do some exploration to find the sex that work for you as a couple, says Tammy Nelson, Ph.D., a sex therapist and author of Getting the Sex You Want. So look (and feel!) like a pro—and spice things up—no matter your experience level with these eight easy tweaks.
“Regardless of what you’re doing, enthusiasm is much more important than technique,” says Mark Michaels, co-author of Partners in Passion. Find yourself feeling meh about sex? Think about what’ll make you feel great. Maybe it’s showing off new lingerie or asking him to give you a long massage with that new lotion. Whatever makes you feel awesome will translate into your bedroom game being awesome. (Sending racy texts is a great way to build up excitement. Here are 5 Sexting Tips Every Woman Needs to Know.)
Look Into Each Other’s Eyes
Sounds cheesy, but focusing on his eyes takes the focus away from what’s going on below the belt and makes everything about connection the two of you share, says Michaels. This is especially true during oral, when taking cues from his facial expressions are key.
Whether it’s oral sex, manual stimulation, or intercourse, remember that there’s no “right” way to do anything. If you’re feeling tired or getting a cramp, stopping and taking the time to kiss and caress, or switching and having him take on more active duty is totally fine, reminds Michaels.
Read All About It
Thanks to 50 Shades of Grey, erotica has experienced a major renaissance—and that’s great news for your own personal sex life, says Alison Tyler, sex expert and author of 25 erotic novels. “Dog ear a page you love and read it out loud to your partner, or listen to a sexy podcast. It’s an easy way to segue the conversation into what types of things turn you on.” Because you’re not talking about your personal past experiences, it puts you both on the same page in terms of what you want to try together. (Also, check out these 5 Sexual Fantasies—Explained.)
For one night, make the evening all about him. Tell him he can’t move or touch without your permission. Yes, it’s a little bit dominatrix-y, but it’ll help you both better suss out erogenous zones and turn-ons that can be hard to find when you’re both actively doing the work. The next night, have him do the same to you. Not only is it hot to have an evening to enjoy guilt-free, all-about-me pleasure, but giving up (and taking) control allows you both to show your vulnerable sides—key for a lasting connection.
Don't Forget the After Sex
Sounds totally G rated, but turns out, great cuddling skills are one of the best predictors of a killer sex life. A recent study from the University of Toronto Mississauga found that post-sex behavior, including kissing, cuddling, and affectionate talk, promoted sexual satisfaction. Keep the after sex conversation light. Focus on what felt amazing in the moment, rather than delving deep into your childhoods or starting a "where is this going?" discussion.
Add Some Surprise Elements
Tracing an ice cube around his body, dabbing honey onto your nipples and having him lick it off, or trying out a new sex toy are all great ways to change things up. “Sex should be fun,” reminds Michaels, and trying something new is guaranteed to shake things up. Even if the technique ends up not being something you’re going to add to your regular roster, trying it out—and laughing about it if you both find it more silly than sexy—is an intimate experience that can make you closer. (Plus, get some bedroom inspiration with our 7 Kinky Upgrades for Your Sex Life.)
Just Do It!
Not to sound like an athletic ad, but sometimes, the most important thing to do is just get it done. “Over the long term, so-called ‘maintenance sex’ can develop into a more emotionally fulfilling and meaningful way to express your desires,” explains Nelson. “Sometimes, sex is about working through the tension and stress of a busy week and emerging more connected than ever.” So forget about being the next Christian Grey and focus on being you.