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Have an Amazing Orgasm: Build Confidence

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Worrying about how you look, where your hands are, and what he’s thinking won’t make sex any better for you or him. To really enjoy your time between the sheets (or in a bathroom…or the kitchen…or the car) you need to learn to let loose. Relaxing and having fun with sex is all about being confidently vulnerable, explains Laurel House, international dating coach, flirting and sex expert, and author of Screwing The Rules: The No-Games Guide To Love.

What does that mean? “Women are so afraid of vulnerability and being themselves, but in the end, they don’t realize that ‘themselves’ will be loved and appreciated. Confident vulnerability is about allowing yourself to completely let go in the bedroom,” she says. It’s easy to be insecure during sex, especially if you’re thinking about how you look during certain positions and whether or not your partner is noticing your flaws. But not opening up to your partner and being accepting of yourself can hold you back from enjoying the experience. (Switch things up with these 5 Moves to Orgasm Tonight.)

In general, being dissatisfied with your body or unhappy with particular parts leads to distraction during sex, found a 2012 study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. Particularly for women. Women who focused on their partner's perceived opinion of their body saw a dip in sexual confidence. Another study in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy actually found that women who were more distracted during sex reported less sexual satisfaction and fewer consistent orgasms.

So how do you build the confidence for your best sex yet? House has the tips you need for commanding the bedroom.

Love Your Naked Body
Walk around naked and look at yourself in the mirror. As hard and awkward as it might be, looking at yourself and saying: “I’m beautiful, I love my *insert body part here*" really works. I like my clients to write five ways they love themselves on their mirror in erasable markers every day. Three of those things should be physical. You need to get in the habit of appreciating and loving something about yourself.

Work Out Together
Exercising together and sweating helps release pheromones—chemicals released through sweat that have been shown to have affects on female and male libido. Plus, just one workout will instantly boost your self-confidence, because you’re releasing endorphins and showing yourself love.

Masturbate with Your Partner
Allowing yourself permission to let go and feel that good by starting on your own (and letting him watch) is a fantastic way to boost self-esteem. First, masturbate by yourself so you can realize how great an orgasm feels when you are totally confident and relaxed. Then, masturbate in front of your partner. This allows him to see what you’re doing and exactly how you’re doing it.

Play a Role
Take on a different personality if you’re feeling insecure—it could be a character, or just a different version of yourself: someone more empowered and decisive, who says exactly what she wants. Creating that mental shift can give you the power to feel more confident and in control. Divorce yourself from yourself and decide to be this strong, sexy woman (that you know your are deep down!). You’ll find that she really does live within you. When you learn to tap into that, you'll be able to be that woman more often.

Film a Sex Tape
You don’t realize how sexy you actually are during sex until you see yourself. Shoot a sex tape on your phone (key word: your) and watch it back together, then delete it. There’s this moment of, “wow, we really are hot together.” (For more tips on getting your best O, check out 7 Tips for a Better Orgasm.)

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