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Have an Amazing Orgasm: Stop Faking It!

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Heart-shaped chocolates and flowers are nice, sure. But this Valentine’s Day, we’re suggesting getting yourself an even better present: the best orgasm of your life.

Orgasms feel amazing (duh), but they’re also crazy-good for your mind and body. They can bust stress, nix pain, make us happier, and even boost immunity. Plus, they feel amazing. Did we already mention that? (Learn more about Your Brain On: An Orgasm.) 

But as you might already know, women’s orgasms aren’t always as easy to come by (har har) as men’s. Factors like stress, pain, and low body confidence can seriously hamper your ability to get off. In fact, up to 30 percent of women don’t climax during intercourse, though some experts believe the real prevalence is around 70 to 75 percent. And roughly 10 percent of women are anorgasmic, which means they’ve never climaxed—period. (Life Without Orgasm: 3 Women Share Their Stories.) 

So in honor of Valentine’s Day, we decided to ask the top sexperts about the top orgasm obstacles women experience, as well as the moves that can take your Os from so-so to OMG! We’ll be rolling out one tip a day between now and February 14, starting with a big one: faking it.

Four in five women admit to faking it at least half the time, and 25 percent give an O-scar-worthy performance almost every time, according to U.K. research. (Men Do It Too, though!) And once you start doing it, it can be hard to stop—especially if you’re in a long-term relationship.

“Women do it to make their partner happy, or because they know they’re not going to have one that night and they just want him to stop trying,” explains gynecologist and sexual health expert Lauren Streicher, M.D., author of Sex Rx. But after a few faux-Os, you may feel like he expects you to be able to get off every time, so you continue with the act to avoid a confrontation. Plus, he’s not learning what does work for you. To break the cycle, Streicher offers these simple steps.

Repeat After Me: Not Orgasming Is Normal
“Intercourse is a really inefficient way for women to have orgasms, since there’s not enough clitoral stimulation. Only about 10 percent of women can do it,” stresses Streicher. Even activities that provide more direct friction like oral aren’t a sure thing: Some women can only get off when they’re the ones doing the touching. (Although sometimes, Non-Sexual Things Can Make You Orgasm too.) The more you internalize this, the less pressured you’ll feel to put on an act when it’s just not happening.

Don’t Come Clean to Your Partner
“Go forward only—don’t go back!” says Streicher. Telling him you’ve been faking it will just make him feel deceived and pressured to perform next time. And the extra stress will only make it harder for you to get off, and harder to tell him that. (Although he might be able to Tell When You’re Faking It anyway.) 

Emphasize the Good
Instead of confessing, Streicher suggests this approach: After sex (sans the fake oohs and aahs), gush about how great it was. Then segue into something like: “You know, I actually didn’t orgasm this time, but it still felt really good! Sometimes I just have trouble getting off, but sex with you is always amazing.” If he asks you if you’ve ever faked it with him, whether you come clean is up to you (see the point above). But keep emphasizing two points: (1) It’s normal not to climax every time, and (2) even when you don’t, you come away satisfied—and if you’re not, you’ll ask for more.

The bottom line: When you’re lying in bed, it’s hard to feel truly close to your partner. Taking away the pretense will immediately make sex feel better. (Make it one of your New Year’s Resolutions to Improve Your Sex Life.) And for the second step to your best orgasm ever, check out tip #2 right here

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