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Have an Amazing Orgasm: Stop Trying to Get Off

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Am I taking too long? What if I can’t orgasm this time? Is he getting tired? Should I fake it? Most of us have probably had these thoughts, or some version of them, at one point or another. The problem is, this kind of self-monitoring mental loop provokes anxiety. And there’s no surer way to shut down your sex drive than stress, says sex educator Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., author of the Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms.

That’s why she suggests having sex without orgasm as your final goal. It alleviates some of that libido-crushing performance anxiety, leaving you free to actually enjoy sex.

And something funny happens when you take your orgasm off the table, adds Nagoski. “It’s like this: Whatever you do, don’t think about a bear wearing a pink tutu. What happens?” You picture something like this, right? “The harder you try not to do something, the more a little monitor in your brain checks to see if you’re making progress, which in turn can make you more aroused.” (8 Ways To Fake Looking Like a Pro in Bed.)

But it can be difficult to convince some men that you really, truly don’t want to get off this time: They often don’t feel like sex is done until they’ve climaxed, and they assume the same is true for women. What’s more, some guys see their ability to give you an orgasm as a measure of their own masculinity. (8 Things Men Wish Women Knew About Sex.)

So when broaching the subject, try to put it in relatable terms. “Tell him how much you love having sex with him, but let him know you’ve been feeling a lot of pressure to come, and that it’s making it harder for it to happen for you,” suggests Nagoski. “You can even say something like, ‘If I shone a spotlight on your penis and demanded you get an erection right now, it might be tough for you. That’s kind of how I’m feeling.’” Then say you want to have sex without even thinking about orgasming so you can really enjoy yourself. 

For more tips on asking for what you want in bed, check shape.com tomorrow!

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