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Your Top 21 Sex Questions—Answered!

How Can I Bring Sex Toys into the Bedroom?

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Since sex toys are just about everywhere these days, your guy shouldn’t be surprised that you want them to show up in your bedroom. How to do it: Simply let him know that you think it’d be fun to try out some new toys together. Start with a couple’s toy like the We-Vibe 4, with a remote control for both of your pleasure, or a vibrating penis ring, which is also a twofer. Going sex toy shopping together (either online or at a local shop) is a great way to enhance intimacy, initiate conversation, and find something that excites both of you. 

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Which Sex Toys are Right for Me?

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With the variety of rechargeable, body safe, discreet, internal and external toys on the market, you’re bound to find one that works for you. This isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer, though, so you’ll have to experiment. If you’ve never used a toy, start with a less expensive vibe before you commit to a more expensive—but totally worth it—model. External toys that stimulate your clitoris make great starter toys. If you’re looking for your G-spot, there are plenty of toys that will help you along your journey. 

RELATED: Best Sex Toys and Vibrators for Women

Photo: We-Vibe

Why Can't I Orgasm During Intercourse?

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Because you’re like the majority of women on the planet who aren’t able to achieve orgasm during penis-vagina sex! There are a plenty of reasons, but the main one is that most women require extra clitoral stimulation and the penis (in most positions) comes nowhere near hitting your hot spots. Try extra foreplay with clitoral stimulation, a great clitoral vibe during sex, or take some time figuring out your body. An orgasm during sex is possible, but it takes work. Practice doing your kegel exercises to strengthen those PC muscles, which can lead to stronger orgasms.

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How Can I Fix My Self-Esteem Issues?

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This is an inside job and I’m not talking about your partner’s penis. Self-esteem is a big killer of many women’s sex drives and the reason why many can’t reach orgasm. Self-esteem issues are deeply imbedded in our psyche whether they’re from past trauma, abuse, or chronic negative thinking.  Self-esteem doesn’t magically improve without some real work on yourself in the hands of a skilled therapist. The best therapist will help you discover what’s holding you back, retrain your thought patterns, and guide you in accepting yourself.  

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I'm Ashamed About Doing Certain Things. Is This Normal?

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Shame is one of the most common emotions people have around sex, but with the right work, joy and pleasure can trump shame. Shame around sex stems from social conditioning, upbringing, and early messages you received around sex. Remember, like any emotion, sex is controlled by our thoughts. If we can change the way we think, we can change the way we feel. Focus on the pleasure it brings you, and you’ll replace judgmental, negative emotions. 

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How Can I, Er, Blow My Partner's Mind With My BJ Technique?

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Keep these three main things in mind.

1. Wetter is better: Utilize your tongue, lips, and hands to provide a full experience. Go back and forth between sucking on him like a straw and bobbing your head up and down his shaft.

2. Deeper is not always better: The head is the most sensitive area, and therefore should get the most attention. Wrap your lips around the tip of his penis, and use your hands (and spit) to caress his shaft. Every once in a while, swirl your tongue around the head.

3. Get into it:  If you don’t look like you’re enjoying it, then he isn’t going to enjoy it either. Treat it like it’s the most delicious Popsicle you’ve ever had, and make eye contact with him every once and a while. Trust me, guys are all about eye contact and enthusiasm.

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How Many Sexual Partners Is Too Many?

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There is no set number for how many partners should be considered too many. In truth, it’s nobody’s business but your own, so it all depends on how you feel about your sexual activities. If you’re having fun and being safe, then don’t let societal stigmas hold you back. However, if your recent experiences leave you feeling empty, or make you feel bad, then it may be time to re-think your decisions. Do what makes you happy, and what makes you feel good about yourself. 

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How Can I Ask for What I Want?

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Communication is lubrication. Men are not mind readers. If there is something you want, ask for it! Start with emphasizing the positive—explain what your partner does that you really enjoy—then share some things you’d like to take to the next level (i.e. “I really like when you pin my hands over my head. Would you ever consider trying a little bit of bondage?”). You may be surprised to find that he is just as excited to try new things as you are.

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What's the Best Erotica?

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When it comes to porn, there’s a whole lot of smut out there. Thanks to the ever-popular “tube” sites, the world of online porn has become an overwhelming (and sometimes terrifying) place for women just looking for a little erotica. Luckily, high-quality, female-friendly porn sites like Good Vibrations After-Dark exist. They offer stimulating, story-based pornography that focuses on female pleasure above all else—perfect for a sexy night in.

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Why Does He Watch Porn? I Thought Our Sex Was Great

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As strange as it may sound, your boyfriend watching porn has very little to do with you. Men are visual creatures. While women thrive on human touch, men are excited by visual stimuli, which is why pornography is so appealing. Porn also feeds the male need for fantasy; it creates a world where women are insatiable, hypersexual, and willing to please. Research shows that men who watch porn do not consider it to be a relationship betrayal, any more than you would consider watching Magic Mike for the 97th time to be a betrayal. Porn is not a substitute for a real life partner. Chances are, your man has been masturbating to porn a long before you came along, more as a pastime or a stress reliever. If his habit has you feeling left out, talk to him or let him know you’d like to watch together. 

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Does He Compare Me to Women in Porn?

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He probably does, but not in the way that you’re thinking. It’s natural for women to see the uber-sexual women of porn and feel insecure. But keep this in mind: For most men, having you there, in the flesh, is more arousing than any of the women in porn because you are more than a fantasy—you’re real! It’s true that men may see certain acts in porn and wish that they could be re-created, but that’s where the fun comes in! 

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How Do I Talk to My Partner About Sex?

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Whether it’s about something you’re wanting but not getting, or something you’re getting but not wanting, having the sex talk can be nerve-racking. Sex talks are best approached outside the bedroom, in a neutral setting, like the kitchen or living room. Remember, phrasing matters. Say something like, “I think it would be really sexy if you tried going down on me,” versus “You never spend time on foreplay.” See what I mean? 

RELATED: 7 Conversations You Must Have for a Healthy Sex Life

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What Is Normal When It Comes to Lubrication?

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Women vary in natural lubrication, from too much to not enough. You work with what you’ve got. Too much wetness during sex means you’re ready for a smooth and slippery time, with no extra lube needed. For the ladies on the dryer side, all you need is a nice, big bottle of trusty lube. I’d recommend UberLube, which is silicone-based, but toy safe. In fact, research found that women who use lubricant reported having higher levels of sexual satisfaction, and said that they enjoy sex more. There is no such thing as too much, so be generous with it!

RELATED: Am I Normal? Your Top 6 Sex Questions Answered

 

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I've Never Masturbated. What Do I Do?

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Masturbation is the most effective (and pleasurable) way to figure out what turns you on the most! First stop on the masturbation train is the clitoris, complete with 8,000 nerve endings that are sure to kick in with a little manual attention. Try massaging the area with slow gentle circles, and experiment with different levels of speed and pressure. Once you’ve gotten a good lay of the land, graduate to a vibrator, something simple like a Magic Bullet or a G-Kii to explore your G-Spot for a little extra oomph! 

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My Partner Has a Small Penis. What Should I Do?

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While a small penis is not a pleasure deal-breaker, it can be tricky to navigate. First, encourage your guy to amp up foreplay. Make the most of his mouth and hands and get as close to orgasm as possible before sex. The more aroused you are, the more primed you will be for multiple orgasms. Try a woman-on-top position that puts direct pressure on your clitoris, and gives you control. A couple’s vibe like the We-Vibe 4 is a toy you can wear during intercourse and is especially useful when your partner is lacking a little in the girth department too. 

RELATED: Is Your Guy Normal When It Comes to Sex?

Photo: Getty Images

I Have a Low Sex Drive. What's Wrong with Me?

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A sex drive is an extremely fluid concept. It’s completely normal for your libido to ebb and flow. Low sex drive could be caused by multiple factors, including stress, anxiety, depression, certain medications, or a lack of self-confidence. First, rule out physical causes, then you can move on to the fun stuff. One of the most surprising fixes for low libido is to actually have sex. Plan out your next sexual encounter. Allow yourself to have sexual fantasies leading up to the scheduled tryst, or buy yourself something that makes you feel sexy—anything to get the anticipation building. Having sex increases your arousal, which will lead to more great sex.

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I Faked It—Now What?

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One fake orgasm is not going to ruin your sex life, but making a habit of it very well could. When you’re faking it, you’re giving him the impression that what he’s doing is working, when it is not. Do your own homework first. Spend time masturbating to figure out what you like. If you don’t have the work done beforehand, how can you possibly teach your guy? The next time you two are getting hot and heavy, make little suggestions. Try comments like, “I really love it when you touch me here,” or “It feels so good when you move your hips that way.” Take control and show him what it takes to make you really holler. 

RELATED: Have You Ever Really Had an Orgasm?

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How Long Should I Wait to Have Sex with Him?

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As a general rule, people should wait as long as possible, otherwise, there is the possibility of getting prematurely attached to the person (and the sex), before you really get to know them. When you get physically close with someone, your brain releases hormones like oxytocin and dopamine, known as cuddle hormones. These hormones trick your brain into confusing lust for emotional attraction. They say love is a blind for a reason: When we become blinded by lust we can’t see the raging red flags in the distance. It’s best to take the time, keep your eyes open, your mind clear, and put in the emotional work before you bring sex into the equation. Remember, the anticipation makes sex even hotter.

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How Do I Know if He Likes Me, or if It's a Date?

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The majority of ladies have the tendency to read between the lines—and then read between the in-between lines. This gets us into trouble because we start overanalyzing and before we know it, the “date” is over and we don’t even remember being there. Guys are actually not that hard to read: Is he smiling at you? Is he making an effort to touch you? Does he use your name a lot? Is he teasing you, or asking a lot of questions? When a dude is interested in you, you know. As for the “is it a date” debacle, don’t stress. Have fun, let go of the questions, and take the time to get to know the guy before you pick him apart like a sample in a petri dish. 

RELATED: "What Went Wrong?" Dating Dilemmas, Explained

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Can It Still Work if There's No Chemistry at First?

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Chemistry and passion are things that, unlike orgasms, cannot be faked. However, there is such a thing as dating outside of your usual type to see if there is a connection beyond that initial “gotta have you” spark. Give it a couple dates before you completely write a person off. As you get to know each other and spend more time together, you may be surprised to feel that passion sneak up on you like it had been there all along.

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Can You Have a Great, Long-Lasting Sex Life with the Same Partner?

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There is a terrible rumor going around that the longer you stay married, the less exciting your sex life becomes. Keeping that sexual spark alive takes hard work, but all of the hard work involves getting busy! You need to switch things up in the bedroom (or out of the bedroom!) to keep the sex hot, playful, and exciting. Surprise each other, try new things, and don’t be afraid to indulge in your deepest desires. But first, talk about them, do some sexplorations together, buy a massage candle, and rub each other down with some warm massage oil, which will get you in the mood. Works every single time.  

Emily Morse is a sexologist and host of the Sex with Emily podcast.

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