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that can't be me

i'm new to the whole internet thing,I've managed to avoid owning a computer until last month.What I have discovered is that I was sort of right and sort of wrong in the past.Yes,the net can be a big bore,but it can also give you a place to speak safely and somewhat anonymously.So,heres my thing.I started out very fit and went through a severe bout of depression in my late twenties and still experience them even with the help of modern science.Oh,I turned 40 last year.With the depression came major weight gain,its hard to keep active when getting out of bed is impossible.I grew out of the habit of regular excercise,hell,any excercise at all.In my 30s I found myself medicated and the caretaker of my father who's health was failing.Not so shockingly,I lost weight and managed to keep 30 pounds of it off for 8 years.Life hadn't been going too well after my dad died and I had so isolated myself that the only friends I still had contact with were the ones I was better off without.So I joined a beading group on the advice of a councellor.I started making new friends and getting out more and just enjoying life again.As part of my re entry into the world I wanted(still do)to start an excercise routine.I picked walking because its cheap and easy to do anywhere.Enter my new/old problem,I am agoraphobic.I have managed to become fairly independent by having someone with me when I try something new and then gradually doing more on my own,but everytime I try to get someone to walk with me they always find a reason not to.I found out that one "friend"would have walked with me if it had cost money and I was paying,she recently joined a gym bacause another of her fiends was paying for it.Now,I know it sounds like bitterness but that is what really happened.Another friend is willing to walk but she has been obese for a very long time and struggles with constant health issues/pain.I keep trying to talk myself into going it alone,but,so far,the habit of being afraid keeps me inside.I bought myself rollerblades last year and chickened out for fear of making a fool of myself.I am determined to learn how to use them this year and use them,even if it only happens late at night I'll just need reflective gear.Tape should work.lolI AM going to go for a walk tomorrow morning,the snow has stopped and I have no more excuses.This blog will keep me honest and be my encouragement.I f you have taken the time to read this,you have just become my chearleader,THANKS.


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