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Getting it off my chest

I would have to say that WILL POWER is not one of my best qualities. In the beginning it feels like your entire life revolves around food. Should I eat this or many calories are in this versus that...if I eat this what will I have to sacrifice later to make up for it? Then there is TEMPTATION. I spend 8hrs a day in a factory watching fresh, hot cookies go by wishing I could eat just one!! And somedays I have already budgeted calories for one..but the second that warm, gooey cookie hits my tongue all I want is to keep eating more. So I competely deprive myself of the good and yummies because they only lead to a slippery down hill slide..and at the bottom is me depressed, still overweight, and kicking myself for having failed yet again. Then there's my boyfriend..who is absolutly amazing and probably loves me more today, 30lbs heavier, than he did before the weight gain. He makes a point to tell me all the time how beautiful he thinks I am and that in his eyes I'm perfect. The down side of having a man love you like this is his not understanding why I feel the way I do and watching him cry because it hurts him to see me feeling so low and not knowing why I don't see myself the way he does. He doesn't understand why it doesn't completely solve the problem to know he feels this way. I try to explain to him that it has nothing to do with him, but I can see it still hurts his feelings. Which of course in my crazy mind is another failure and yet another trigger to head right for the mint choc chip ice cream. The biggest problem really is that love food!! I believe at times it is the devil but for the most part, healthy/unhealthy, it doesn't matter I love it. Exercising is another thing I love! I know it sounds crazy but I truely feel like a whole different person when I'm sticking to a regular workout schedule. I'm happier, I have more energy, and I'm just less stressed and more relaxed in all parts of my life.

I honestly just need to stop being such an emotional eater. If something bad happens I want to dig my spoon in a tub of ice cream. If something good happens we need to celebrate with an excess of bad carbs at the Olive Garden. I need to find a way to re-train the way my brain thinks of food. Chalene Johnson says FOOD IS FUEL NOT COMFORT. I have to find a way so that when I'm upset I just go run it off..or when I'm happy I treat myself with a new pair of shoes. I have always heard "knowing is half the battle". Well I know and now I'm ready to tackle the other half. It's time to use all the knowledge I've gained. But most importantly it's time to stop kicking myself when I'm down, and instead dust myself off and try again. I am determined to get it right this time.


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