"I didn't understand what was happening apart from the fact that I didn't want to be alive anymore."

By Faith Brar
September 29, 2017
Cara Delevingne Opens Up About "Losing the Will to Live" While Battling Depression

Cara Delevingne is doing what many would find very difficult to do: talking candidly about her battle with depression. In her cover story for The Edit, the supermodel-turned-actress explained how she "hated" looking like a boy in her teens and was often teased for having short hair and being "frigid and flat-chested." Eventually, it got to a point where she says she lost the will to live. (Related: Yolanda Hadid Reveals She Contemplated Suicide While Battling Lyme Disease)

"I hated myself for being depressed, I hated feeling depressed, I hated feeling," she confessed. "I was very good at disassociating from emotion completely. And all the time I was second-guessing myself, saying something and then hating myself for saying it. I didn't understand what was happening apart from the fact that I didn't want to be alive anymore."

When she tried to find comfort and support through her friends, they simply couldn't understand what she was going through, which made things even worse. "So many of my friends would say: 'How can you feel like that?' and, 'But you're so lucky,' and I'd be like: 'I know, trust me, I know,'" the 25-year-old said. "I know I'm the luckiest girl in the world, I understand all of these things, and I wish I could appreciate it. There is just something dark within me I cannot seem to shake."

Today, Cara admits that she "relied too much on love" but is much happier now that she is comfortable and confident in her own skin. (Related: Why Taking Extended Time Off-Like Demi Lovato-Is Good for Your Health)

"I was always in love with my best friends, the person I would call if something was wrong, the person that I talked to about everything," she said. "But when someone gets too close, I get scared: 'Oh, you can't handle it, I'm too crazy.' I know it sounds really stupid, but I relied too much on love, too much on other people to make me happy, and I needed to learn to be happy by myself. So now I can be by myself, I can be happy. It took me a long time."

It's thanks to her newfound confidence that Cara has become known for telling it how it is, whether that's supporting the #FreetheNipple movement, or raising some seriously thoughtful questions about how we define beauty. (BTW, how crazy is it that Cara Delevingne eyebrow surgery is now a trend?) Huge props to the star for bringing awareness to an epidemic that affects so many yet can be so difficult to address.