Cassey Ho Reveals Struggling with Uncertainty Toward Marriage and Motherhood

Cassey Ho of Blogilates has long been an open book with her legions of followers. Whether detailing her body images issues in an incredibly transparent way or getting candid about her other insecurities, the Instagram sensation has shared various aspects of her life on social media, even discussing for the first time how she's feeling regarding a certain aspect of her future.

In a video posted to her Instagram page on Monday, Ho is enjoying a scenic honeymoon in Bora Bora with her husband, Sam Livits, three years after tying the knot. While the dreamy clip features the couple toasting with Champagne and jumping into the crystal blue waters, Ho uses the video of the honeymoon trip as a reason to be super honest about an important topic; in the caption, she goes on to reveal her hesitations about marriage and motherhood, as well as how "terrified" she was to share it with her fans.

"Honeymoons are supposed to be the start of the next phase of life between a couple. And I have to be honest with you. I'm scared," began Ho. "When @samlivits and I went on our very first date in college, he said 'I'd make a really good dad.' 😅 I obviously wasn't ready to talk such things in between mid terms and research papers. Plus, I had barely just been given 'permission' to date by my mom!"

As her relationship with Livits "got more serious," Ho wrote that he "brought up the idea of marriage," but she "didn't feel ready" at the time. When Livits did propose nine years later, Ho said, "Even though I thought I wasn't ready, it didn't matter because it unlocked a new level of love in our relationship that I hadn't felt before."

Now three years into their marriage, Ho noted Monday how "that thing Sam said to me in college 13 years ago is a topic that is no longer avoidable."

"Every day after the wedding Sam would ask me 'so when are we having a baby?' and I'd say oh a couple years.' Same story. I didn't feel ready because my career wasn't where I wanted it to be," explained Ho. "I am terrified to tell you this because it's probably one of the most sensitive things I've ever opened up about. It's probably one of the most unrelatable too."

She continued, "Unlike all the women I grew up around, having a baby is something they just innately knew they wanted. Me? I don't know if it's because of the way I was brought up (super academic + career focused) or if there's something less 'feminine' about me, but I can't find that internal desire for motherhood."

Ho made it clear that she doesn't hate kids or not want to become a mother, but rather that she feels a "lack of that 'natural calling' for motherhood that so many women seem to have. Where is mine?"

"It's weird because I've always been passion-driven," she wrote. "I follow my heart and it always shows me the right path. But with this, my heart hasn't spoken up yet and I don't want to regret missing out on this life experience."

In response to posting the sincere message, Ho recently told Shape that she believed other women would find her post "unrelatable," but was pleasantly surprised.

"I honestly thought other women were going to find my post super unrelatable, and I was ready for the backlash. But to my surprise...so many said they felt the same way. I was completely taken aback. I had NO IDEA other women felt this "lack of pull" towards motherhood too! I had always thought I was the weird one because all the women I had grown up around knew they wanted kids from a young age. Me on the other hand - I always was so academics and career-obsessed. Perhaps it had something to do with the way I was raised," said Ho.

"To anyone struggling with the whole kids debate - I encourage you to talk to all kinds of women and listen to all of the different experiences and different perspectives mothers and non-mothers have. I'm listening and I'm learning. I want to be able to make a decision and feel confident in my choice, but at the moment I don't feel like I know enough yet," she continued.

Ho later opened up to her followers about the outpouring of support she received in a series of Instagram Stories.

"I had no idea how many other women out there felt this way too," posted Ho. "I felt like there was something wrong with me... Thanks for being so understanding about this topic. I feel less alone."