In her new memoir out next month, the reality star shares how her debilitating symptoms brought on some dark and lonely thoughts.

By Faith Brar
Updated: August 23, 2017

Former Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Yolanda Hadid was diagnosed with Lyme disease in 2012-and since then, she's been dealing with severe complications from the condition. (You may remember Gigi Hadid honoring her mother's battle last year.) To make matters worse? Yolanda's two other children, Bella and Anwar, have also been diagnosed with the same illness and continue to undergo treatment. (Eek! By 2015, Lyme disease had spiked 320 percent in the U.S.-and 2017 is set to be even worse.)

Now, Yolanda is opening up about her personal struggles with the illness, including how the disease drove her to contemplate suicide, in her new memoir Believe Me: My Battle with the Invisibility of Lyme Disease.

"I take off my clothes and slip into the dark blue ocean, which is cool and comforting," she writes in her book, as reported by People, referring to the time she was on vacation with her then-husband David Foster. "The waves gently wash over my naked body, and I can feel the current tugging at me. Tears pour out of my eyes, roll across my cheeks, and meld with the salt water as I try to still my mind to become one with the water's ebb and flow."

She continues: "God please just take me away in a wave," she writes. "I can't live like this one more day. Please carry my body away. I just want to disappear." She went on to say: "My next thought is a clear image of my three children. It shifts my consciousness immediately and that's the only thing that keeps me from letting myself drift and drown."

During this time two years ago, Yolanda's illness was forcing her to stay in bed for up to 22 hours a day because of painful symptoms such as joint pain, exhaustion, and insomnia, according to People. Even answering an email became a daunting task, making her feel severely depressed. Her physical and mental health was at an all-time low.

Since then, however, the mother of three has come a long way and is focused on regaining her health. "As difficult as these past five years have been, I am so grateful that this journey has led me to live in the light," she tells People. "I have had it all and lost it all, only to realize that less is more, money can't buy you health or happiness, and one day at a time is good enough."

Hadid's memoir hits shelves on September 12.

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