30 Thoughts You Have In an Indoor Cycling Class
Between the warm-up and the cool-down, there's way more going on in spin class than just sprints and jumps. Indoor cycling can be hilarious, bizarre, and a straight-up struggle. On the outside? You're a smiling, glowing champ. On the inside? Things are a little different. You may not be saying much out loud other than "Woo!" but listen: We know. We've been there, we get it, and we've listed the 30 most common thoughts you have while the sweat's flying.
Water: Check. Top bun: Check. Hilariously tiny towel: Check. Bring it on, Wednesday-at-7!
I'm sorry-a sub? The website clearly stated that David would be teaching. Hot David. This is a waste of my best workout shorts.
Wait, yes-it's Jen, the woman who only plays diva jams, as opposed to David's kinda-cult-y House music. We're golden.
Oh. That girl thinks she can use my bike? That's cute. That's cute. I'll see you after class, High Pony.
Listen, early birds, I'd be here earlier to warm up with you but I have a life. ...Okay, I was polishing off a bag of pita chips pre-class. SO?!
Why, yes, Jen, I do know how to adjust my bike! Haha...wait, what does this pulley do again?
Oh. Hello. This seat is giving me more below-the-belt action than I've seen in a while.
Alright, I am ready to ri-what's that, Jen? I'll damage my knees forever if I don't lower my seat? ...I knew that.
Knew I shouldn't have worn this top. My pits can't breathe.
Knew I shouldn't have worn these shorts. The chafing will be real.
Knew I shouldn't have worn these shoes. I'm coming out of this with like, 4 toes total.
Those windows are tinted, right? But I feel like they're not. Jen, the street-people can see us, I swear.
I will never be coordinated enough to spin and stretch my arms above my head.
Why did she just lower the lights? What exactly does that do for my struggles?
...Why is there a disco ball?
Just nod. Nod like you know what "jumps" and "hills" and "intervals" all mean.
Why does that woman have two towels? Does she know something I don't?
Omg, hatethissonghatethissong HATE. THIS. SONG. [Spins faster.]
Omg, lovethissonglovethissong LOVE. THIS. SOOOOONG. [Spins faster.]
No one has ever asked me to "pump to the beat" of "Timber" before. Gotta remember to tell the girls about this one.
[Jumps, lands in the seat wrong.] Aaaand there goes my ability to procreate.
Don't look at the speed of the person next to you. Don't look. Don't... EASE UP, LANCE ARMSTRONG, THIS IS AN OPEN LEVEL CLASS.
I. Did not know. I had sweat glands there.
Do I look good sweaty? Some people look good sweaty. He looks good sweaty. Do I?
I feel like I'm burning off enough calories to date back to like, Thanksgiving Dinner...circa 1984.
"INCREASE RESISTANCE!" [Spins hand around knob without touching it.]
I'm actually afraid of what my ladyparts might look like after this. [Glances down.] I'm so sorry, m'am.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, SOMEONE TURN ON THE FANS, THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE THERE FOR, LET THEM DO THEIR JOB.
[During a sprint.] I am Beyonce. Beyonce is me. I am Beyonce. Beyonce is me.
That was not 30 seconds. In what world was that 30 seconds? Who taught you how to count seconds?!
Jen is the woman whose parking spot I swooped on last week. I knew it. It's the only explanation for her apparent hatred and this unending torture.
If this bike is stationary, why do I feel like I've traveled to the depths of my personal hell?
"Aaand ease off on the resistance, great job!" [Basically turns bike off and all but walks the hell out of there.]
Do they call it "spinning" because the room is now spinning? No? Just me?
Ahh. That wasn't so bad. Now that my heart rate's back to You Might Not Die, I may actually sort of rock at this.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT WAS JUST THE WARM-UP?!