12 Stages of a Fitness Class Obsession
From SoulCycle to PureBarre and Physique57, we've all jumped on the fitness trend bandwagon—so what's the toll on our body, minds, and bank accounts?
From spandex-clad aerobics classes and Tae Bo tapes of yesteryear to more modern workout obsessions like Physique57, Soul Cycle and Pure Barre, fitness trend feels are very real. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a single digit checking account balance. Alas, all is fair in love and exercise. Here, the 12 stages of fitness class obsession.
Ooooooh, that's a cool shirt. Wait. That's a SoulCycle shirt. My cousin's boyfriend's sister takes that fitness class and she's like, totally hot and has 13.K Instagram followers. Hmmmm. (These 20 Funny Yoga Tank Tops totally caught our attention.)
It couldn't hurt to browse the website. Wow, what incredible graphic design. This user experience is flawless. These fitness trend folks really know what they are doing. I already feel like a new person after reading a mere 195 reviews.
Alright, I could buy approximately three cappuccinos, 27 tacos, and Taylor Swift concert tickets every single day OR I could buy one month's worth of fitness classes. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.
*Talking to self* Do you know why Beyoncé can take whatever fitness class she wants? Because she has Beyonce's bank account, and you have your bank account, which is sad enough as it is. Besides, no one will REALLY KNOW if you just wear the tee shirt. Buy it online. It's less shameful. Sort of. (Psst... Save Money with Cheap Swaps for Pricier Gear.)
It's time to make a monetary commitment to my health. I make monetary commitments to my wardrobe every hour on the hour online shopping, and this life-changing fitness class will really help me get my shit together. I'll be strong, ripped, and perhaps even smarter because all the heavy breathing will be sending more oxygen to my brain. BOOM.
6. Eager Beginnings
Wow, I feel so awesome filling out these contact forms. Imagine how awesome I'll feel/become after I take my first class. BRB, going to buy some kale.
7. Ego Inflation
LOL look at those peasants sitting on the curb eating their cheeseburgers. Cheeseburger SHMEEZEBURGER. I am a workout person now. I laugh in the face of fast food. #SpinachSquad (Did you know Runner's High Is As Addictive As a Drug High?)
8. Sheer, Utter Pain
HOW are these people so excited to ride a stationary bike? At 5:30 in the morning? I can't even walk to my car after one class. I can't feel my vagina. I can't feel my vagina. Are SoulCycle workouts going to be the beginning of my fitness journey or the end of my sex life? (Plus, 29 other Thoughts You Have in an Indoor Cycling Class.)
9. A Dash of Skepticism
Damn, being healthy is expensive. Why is a green juice nine freaking dollars? Does "going green" mean literally being made of money? I'd rather drink a money juice.
10. Silent Panic
OH MY GOD. I CAN'T AFFORD A NINE DOLLAR GREEN JUICE AND I'VE JUST SIGNED NEARLY ALL MY FUNDS AWAY TO THREE MONTHS OF SOUL CYCLE. WHAT HAVE I DONE.
11. Calm After The Storm
Welp, I'll have to starve for the rest of the month to pay off this cancellation fee, but you can't put a price on a valuable life lesson. (Might we suggest The Best Fitness Stocks to Buy Now?)
Wait, is that a Pure Barre shirt?