You don’t have to be a porn star to turn each other on with words
Even if your guy spouts off dirty words with ease (and even if you feel totally awkward), you may have a leg up. When it comes to sounding sultry, women can easily sex-up the sound of their voice, while men simply cannot, according to a new Albright College study. (In fact, guys were actually seen as less attractive when they tried to sound sexy.)
The downside? Just because you have a natural oral ability (hello, raspy bedroom voice!) doesn’t mean you know which words will put you both in the mood. “Women feel silly talking dirty,” says Jaiya, a sex educator and author of Blow Each Other Away. “Because they don’t know what to say, they get tripped up.”
But when you do know what to say? The erotic payoff is huge. That’s why we've gathered a few basic guidelines to help you tap into your inner dirty girl. Prepare to arouse him like never before—with your mouth.
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Do: Discover His Trigger Words
Chances are, your guy has a specific term for his penis—as well as for sexual acts, like intercourse and oral—that turn him on the most. Jaiya calls these trigger words, since the mere sound of them is often enough to crank up his arousal. “Start by sending dirty text messages back and forth,” suggests Ruth Neustifter, Ph.D., author of The Nice Girl’s Guide to Talking Dirty. “This is a great way to figure out what words he likes.” Your line: “I can’t to see you tonight. Tell me all the places you want me to touch you.” He’ll use the words he finds most erotic, helping you create your bedroom vocab.
Do: Update Him on Your Arousal
“I’m so wet right now.” “I’m about to come.” “You feel incredible inside me.” These moment-by-moment updates help you tune into your own arousal—an often-difficult task for us—while giving him an erotic earful. “When you speak about what’s happening in your own body, you’re bringing awareness to it,” says Jaiya. “On top of that, you’re arousing him even more, because he’s thinking, ‘Yes! I’m turning her on.’ That makes him feel more confident.” We call that a win-win.
Don't: Feel Pressure
“Dirty talk” is perhaps a misnomer, because bedroom banter doesn’t have to be crude to be a turn-on. “Some people find cursing to be completely un-arousing,” says Neustifter. “The words that turn him on might be tender and loving—that can be just as highly arousing,” Jaiya adds. If you’re not sure which he prefers, try alternating sweet phrases (e.g. “I love it when you kiss me”) with more risqué ones (e.g. “I want your [word for penis] inside me.”), and see what revs him up the most.
Do: Stick with What Works for You
“Women think they’re supposed to sound like porn stars,” says Yvonne Fulbright, Ph.D., author of Sultry Sex Talk to Seduce Any Lover. But just because Jenna Jameson said it doesn’t mean you have to—the hottest words are the ones that get you in the zone, even if they’re comparatively tame. “If you’re not being authentic or you aren’t comfortable, he will feel that,” says Jaiya.
And you don’t have to use a deep, throaty voice. “Your tone can be funny and joking. It can be cute or teasing, innocent, or absolutely naughty,” says Neustifter. “I encourage women to think about times when they feel the most confident and carefree.” If you feel your best giving presentations at work, for example, a powerful bedroom vibe may be your go-to; if you love laughing with your friends, a fun approach may be better.
Do: Master the Art of One-Word Dirty Talk
Trying to string together a full, filthy sentence can actually tamp down your desire, since you’re inside your head, says Jaiya. “When I do sexuality workshops, the word ‘yes’ is consistently one of people’s favorite words,” says Neustifter. Other sexy words that can stand alone: "faster," "harder," and "more." One-word directives let him know he’s doing a great job, says Jaiya. They're the verbal equivalent of a moan.
Don't: Focus Too Much on His Size
Some guys love being told their manhood is massive, but for others—even if they are average or larger—hearing about size may remind them of their own insecurities, says Neustifter. A better route: Talk about how firm his erection is. “Generally, people respond well to hearing how aroused their genitals area,” she says.
Do: Outline His Qualities That Excite You
Talking about specific sexual acts can be uber-intimidating. “It’s oftentimes easier to talk about attributes or objects—how sexy a piece of underwear is, or that you really like his beard stubble,” says Neustifter. So start with descriptive statements of what turns you on about him. Most people like to be complimented. Plus, it’s almost impossible to flop when you’re telling him how much his body excites you.
Do: Tell Him What You’re Going to Do
Ready for advanced dirty talk? Tell him about the sexy moves you want to perform. “It’s easier for women to care-take than to say, ‘Here’s what I want you to do,’” says Jaiya. So ease into it by suggesting a move you’ve tried in the past that both of you enjoyed. That way, you know he’ll receive your proposition positively, which can make you feel more confident taking charge.