You're definitely not alone if you've had dud shower sex. Here's how to love it.

By Gigi Engle
December 16, 2019
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Shower sex has an air of being fun and sexy—and for good reason. Having hot water running over your bodies, washing each other with lovely smelling soaps, and shampooing each other's hair is all very erotic. There's something very hot about getting a little dirty when you're getting cleaned up. (Also, it's a clutch location for period sex!)

Shower sex is like the last great hurdle in our sexual terrain. We all talk about it, but no one seems to know how to pull it off with any grace (or orgasms). Luckily, here are a few fool-proof tips to put the confusion to rest.

Make washing each other a seductive act in itself.

The first thing you and your partner should appreciate is the mindset of shower sex. The erotic focus should be on the entire experience of being in the shower together, not just how quickly you can get someone's penis or toy into another person's vagina.

You know how when you get out of the bath you feel super zen? That's because warm water helps relax your muscles and calm your sympathetic nervous system, which controls involuntary functions (such as breathing) and your relaxation response. If your sympathetic nervous system isn't in chill mode, it makes it impossible for your body to be calm enough to become fully sexually aroused. (More here: How to Increase Your Sex Drive)

In order to let the warm water do its job, take your time and make washing each other a whole adventure. Wash your partner's hair and have them wash yours. Lather each other's bodies up with soap. Massage your sore muscles and touch each other all over. You'll both wind up very slippery. (That sensation might feel amazing, but beware: Keep soap away from the vagina, as it can lead to infections such as bacterial vaginosis and yeast infections. If you're going to touch the vulva or a partner is going to touch yours, rinse thoroughly first.)

After you rinse your shampoo and put in conditioner, there is ample opportunity to fool around while you wait for the product to do its magic. Press your partner against the side of the shower and have a hot and heavy make-out session. You can have soft tresses and orgasms. No need to choose.

Take safety into consideration.

Get a shower mat for slip prevention. It helps create a buffer between the soapy shower and your feet. (The last thing anyone needs is a trip to the ER because they wanted to get it on in the shower and didn't take precautions.)

When it comes to sex positions, keep them simple. You don't need to be lifting your partner off the ground for good shower sex. As a rule of thumb, be sure there are always at least three feet planted firmly on the ground—i.e. both of your partner's feet and one of yours. (Need visuals? Check out this list of the best shower sex positions.)

Generally, it's recommended that you stick to handjobs, clit rubbing, and oral sex. You can have so much more fun doing other stuff besides intercourse.

Don't make pleasure reliant on intercourse.

On that note, don't make everything about P-in-the-V sex. Sex does not culminate with intercourse, regardless of gender. Shower sex isn't fun when you insist on penetrative sex as the end-all-be-all goal. In fact, don't make orgasms the goal either. If you have one, great. If not, that's cool too.

Enjoy shower sex as a way to explore each other's bodies and your capacity for pleasure. If you think of it more as an appetizer for sexy fun in the bedroom post-shower, you'll stay in the moment without the pressure of needing to make anyone come.

Get some lube.

Water, while technically "wet," does not make for proper lubrication. In fact, it washes away the natural lubrication that your vagina may make while you're touching one another under the shower. Be sure to keep some silicone- or oil-based lube nearby. (Try Pjur lube, Uberlube, and SKYN All Night Long lube for shower fun.)

Keep in mind that oil-based lubes aren't compatible with condoms, so if you're a coconut oil buff, steer clear if you're using protection (which, ahem, you should be if you or your partner hasn't been tested).

When in doubt, there is water-based lube. While it doesn't have the staying power of silicone or oil-based lubricants, it is condom and sex-toy safe (more on that next). The best water-based lubes are Good Clean Love, Sustain Natural, and Pjur Aqua, which are paraben-, preservative-, and glycerine-free. FYI: Your vulva and vagina are a mucous membrane (like the inside of your mouth), which makes them highly absorbent. Meaning, you don't want to use anything with chemicals or other ingredients that you don't want absorbed into your body.

Don't be afraid to bring out the toys.

Don't be afraid to get toys in on the action. There are awesome waterproof sex toys such as Unbound's Bender or the Womanizer Starlet that are great for shower sex. The Bender is super pliable and easy to bend into whatever angle you might need—especially handy since versatility is key in shower sex situations. The Womanizer, a clit-suction-style vibrator, is super easy to use, which can be helpful when you're slippery and wet. It mimics oral sex when you place the nozzle over the clitoris.

Pro tip: Don't forget to lube up your tools before use. You can even keep a designated bottle of lube and toy on the shower ledge for this specific use. Just be sure you wash your toy between every use as it can collect dust and soap scum (not cute). The more sex toys you have in every area of the house, the better!

If you're committed to having shower sex on the reg, a shower chair or stool is a total game-changer. With it, you can try so many more positions. Try the Lotus, which is actually a Tantric sex position that's super shower friendly, if you have a chair or bench: Your partner sits on the chair and you lower yourself onto their penis or dildo. You rock back and forth with the warm water running over you.

The biggest takeaway, though, is that shower sex can really fun as long as you have a positive mindset. Don't expect rom-com romance or synchronization; lean into the playfulness, and enjoy the laughs, stumbles, and adventure of it all. If you find it's still not for you, there are a million other sex things available to you. The more pleasure everyone can have, the better.

Gigi Engle is a certified sex coach, sexologist, author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @GigiEngle.



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