After more than a decade with my husband, I thought it was time to finally prioritize the elusive double climax.

By Rea Frey
January 09, 2020
Karl Tapales/Getty

Raise your hand if you have regular (or have, frankly, ever experienced) orgasms through penetrative sex? Lucky duck, you. Raise your hand if you and your partner have orgasms at the same time? Okay, now you're just showing off. While I personally don't have an issue getting off during intercourse, only 18 percent of women can experience climax through penetrative sex, according to a 2015 study of 1,055 women published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy. However, if you are able to get off through penetrative sex, you might relate to the very common "issue" of not being able to successfully climax together during sex. (Related: The Real Reason You Can't Orgasm During Sex)

Why is climaxing together so awesome? If you're asking, then you haven't experienced this earth-shattering moment yet. From the very rare (basically, "endangered specious-level" rare) experience with simultaneous orgasms, I've seen that they can take your physical bond to a much more emotional level. It gets you out of your head and fully into the moment to experience ecstasy with someone, and depending on your situation, someone you love. For many people, this takes a lot of trust, perfect timing, and knowing your partner's body like the back of your hand.

While I always make sure to have an orgasm, it's a very rare occasion that I climax with my husband. It's almost always before or after. So when we were talking about our 2020 goals, I quickly ditched the typical responses a la meditate, get healthier, or make a million dollars, and looked at my husband of a decade and declared: "I want us to have orgasms at the same time!"

He immediately smiled, saying, "um, done."

And thus, the experiment began. To really prepare for this, we realized there was going to have to be some strategy involved, and lots of practice. [Wink.]

Instead of our typical "take-turns-to-orgasm" scenario, we really slowed down and connected with each other. He turned me on well before we even got to penetration. I did the same. When we were having sex, we watched for each other's physical cues. Once we got the hang of the timing (which can be the hardest part), we experienced the Holy Grail of Os. Once. Then twice. And now, semi-regularly. As cheesy as it sounds, it really forced us to be in the moment together and to just give in to the pleasure.

In the name of research, here are my top tips for getting off at the same time as your partner:

  1. Notice both of your patterns. First things first: Who usually climaxes first and when? Does it happen the same way every time? Do you ever come close to having orgasms together? Do you usually stay within your comfort zone of getting off just one way and that's that? Notice exactly when you and your partner have orgasms (or if you don't) so that you can decide how to create a new strategy around achieving orgasm together.
  2. Take your time. While no one has time for a three-hour lovemaking session, a lot of the good stuff comes before you have sex. I'm talking about foreplay, people—the teasing, the kissing, and the process of getting turned on. Remember that? Take time to arouse each other before sex. Connect in a meaningful way. Tease each other. Beg for it. Physically and mentally tune into each other fully before you ever even get to penetration. Half the battle is really connecting, and feeling wanted and desired.
  3. Bring each other to the edge. We've all been in situations when we just want to have an orgasm by any means necessary and ASAP. Still, the art of bringing each other (or yourself) to the brink of climax and then backing off is great practice for timing your orgasms. While you can't completely control your orgasm, you can learn your body's signals, so you'll know when to back off if your partner isn't on the same page. Or, if your partner gets too excited too soon, this is a great way to extend the activity. After all, your goal is to reach an even sweeter release than the "quick and dirty" one you're after.
  4. Find your perfect position. If you can orgasm from penetrative sex alone, is there a specific sex position or foreplay activity that helps you get there? Start with that, and see if you can guide the pace and tempo to get you close to climax. Then have your partner "meet you there" until you're both equally close to orgasm, then head for the finish line in tandem.
  5. Get vocal. If you're close to a climax, shout it from the rooftops (as long as your neighbors won't mind, that is). Or if your partner is close, slow them down until you are right there with them. There's nothing hotter than telling someone you're going to have an orgasm and you want them to have one too. Play around with verbal teasing until you can climax together.
  6. Practice, practice, practice. Like all goals, you're not going to hit it out of the park on the first attempt. It takes practice, patience, and a willingness to have fun. Don't get frustrated and bail. Try new foreplay ideas, experiment with toys, or try different sex positions until you get the results you want.

Being able to orgasm together is an intensely bonding experience for all parties involved. I, for one, am not settling for the once-in-a-while double-orgasm any more. I'm continuing to learn new things about myself (and my partner) and we're having a lot of fun in the process—together.

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