Will my clitoris fall off? Or will I experience pure bliss?

By Rachel Khona
February 24, 2020
Maskot/Getty Images

As much as I would love to go to the bone zone every night, it isn't always practical—for me, or anyone else. For couples, there's, you know, work, family, social life, sleep, blah, blah, blah. Or you're single and not ready to mingle. Or single and no one to mingle with (yet!).

My libido has a mind of its own and can't always wait for my partner, Josh. I work from home and have no commute, so I have all the energy in the world. (You know how dogs get excited when their owners come home? That's me.) Josh has a long commute and sometimes not even a glimpse of these hot melons can entice him into doing the horizontal mambo.

It became clear to me that I needed a plan B. I decided the most obvious course of action would be to get myself off on the regular. Orgasms help you sleep more soundly, reduce anxiety, raise your pain threshold, and boost your immune system (just to name a few benefits). That's all I needed to know to dedicate myself to an O a day. It sure sounded better than dry January.

To start off my first day, I whipped out my trusty Minna Limon (Buy It, $99, minnalife.com). My Limon has been there for me through many a drought and dry spell and has never let me down except when he's run out of power. I came within a few minutes because Limon is excellent as his job. If he were my employee, I'd give him a raise. (Related: These Egg Vibrators Are Versatile AF)

I got out of bed with a little extra pep in my step. Who says self-care just has to be bubble baths and rosé all day? Relaxed, I tackled the rest of the day in an upbeat mood. When a telemarketer called interrupting the music I was streaming from my phone, I just smiled and silenced it instead of cursing under my breath. I was practically turning into the Dalai Lama.

The rest of the week I masturbated away feeling like the sexually liberated vixen that I am. There's something inherently empowering about focusing solely on your pleasure and no one else's. I became more aware of my own body than I ever had. I felt sexier than everlike all my hot vibes were just emanating from me ready to mesmerize everyone from the mailman to the dog. Looking in the mirror, I couldn't help but think I even looked sexier. This was definitely the closest to I would ever get to being Rihanna. (Next up, I might try this naked self-care ritual.)

All this masturbation was making me extra frisky, so I decided to start sexting Josh, which in turn made him horny. When he got home from work, we got it on like two teenagers doing it in the back seat of their parents' car. Wait—did I just pump up J's libido by loving myself first? WHOA. Lizzo really is onto something with this whole self-love thing. (Related: How to Teach Yourself Mindful Masturbation)

The next week I fell into more of a routine: Masturbate, then get to work. Not to say I wasn't still enjoying it, but the initial thrill had now settled into a general feeling of good vibes. In case you're wondering, my magic button (sorry, couldn't resist) didn't fall off or get tired. After almost two weeks of daily stimulation, it was just as ready for action. The Energizer bunny has nothing on the clitoris. Meanwhile, J was so turned on by my experiment, we continued to hit the sheets more often. (Winning!)

By week three, I was becoming complacent. Surely, masturbating three times a week would suffice! But like Lewis and Clark, I knew I had to solider on. At this point, I was masturbating in the morning and having sex most evenings. Given my high libido, this whole scenario was mostly enjoyable, but less so knowing that I had to masturbate. "Me time" had started to turn into homework—and, really, who likes homework?!

By week four, I just wanted to wrap up the experiment. Do I really have to masturbate again? ARGH. Sure, things could be worse. Like the time I got off the subway on the way to work only to see a man taking a poop on the platform. By comparison, masturbating at home seemed like a vast improvement. Of course, once I started, it always turned out to be an enjoyable experience, much like when I used to bike the Williamsburg Bridge. At first, I'd always get on my bike and think, "I'm too tired," but 15 minutes later I'd be whizzing down, the wind in my hair, endorphins rushing through me, as I thought about how everyone else was a sucker for taking the subway.

Riding bikes (and all ensuing innuendos) aside, I have to say: Masturbating for a month straight had way more benefits than I thought. I was in a better mood, my sex life improved, I felt sexier, and my confidence even enjoyed a little boost. And best of all, my lady parts all remained intact. (Related:

So go on! Rub one out. You have nothing to lose and only orgasms to gain.

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Comments (5)

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March 6, 2020
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March 6, 2020
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